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The whole first week, I thought I was psychic. I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, you know. I'd be like, 'Where are my keys? Oh, they're in my pocket.' How did I know that? Oh my gosh!
Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.
You never hear a girl, like, 'I met this guy. He is so hot. He's so short! You can barely see him.'
I'll be like, 'I just had, like, twenty beers!' They'll be like, Nikki Sixx drank heroin from a fire hose.'
I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, that's her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. 'I turn letters, but only when they glow. I'm not stupid.'
One of my best friend's is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and that's the worst because I'm a nice guy, but he's magic. There's no way I can compete with that. He shows...
So we go out, and we get in a fight at a bar, and it was one of those things where it was like an accident. It all started when I knocked this guy's drink over. And all of his friends were like, 'Yeah! Fight! Fight! Fight!' My friends were like, 'We're gonna go play pool, dude. Call us later, man.'
Last fight I was in was in, like, third grade, and that doesn't count 'cause it's like, 'You smell poop? It's over, dude! It's over!'
So, then what I try to do to try to save the story is I embellish it at the end to make it a good story. But I do it too much, so it's not believable. You know, I'll be like, 'You should have been there Saturday. Me and Steve were at the bar; we...
I don't care if I go through life and don't help a lot of people or save a million lives. I just don't want to get stabbed. If I can get through life without getting stabbed, I win -- that's how I feel. It just seems so horrible. It's not like...
The other thing I'm going to do at my funeral is I'm going to have a closed casket, like, at the church. And it's going to be closed so people will think that my body will be in there -- but it won't be. My body will come down on wires. It'll just...
I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I don't know if anybody's ever done that, but that's, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldn't believe it. They were like,...
I don't know if you know Planet Hollywood? It's like a theme restaurant; they have props from the movies on the wall. But I worked at the one in Minnesota, so we got all the lame, stupid props. We would pretend they were cool, that was our job. It...
We'll be explaining our video games, and they'll be playing some futuristic fighting game. And we'll be like, 'When I was your age, we had a game with a yellow circle, and it ate dots and fruit, and then it would be chased by ghosts.'
She'll be like, 'How was your day today?' And I'll be like, 'Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store -- this guy almost hits me, this cab almost hits me. I get there -- the movie I want is...
I swear all the time, and that's how I'm going to be when I'm old. My grandson's going to be like, 'Hey grandpa. We're going to go to the zoo. Do you want to go to the zoo?' 'Oh what, the zoo? Oh f**k that. I'm not f**king going to the zoo.'
It's great working there, because you get free diarrhea.
I just got invited to my first high school reunion. I want to show up as the first thing I wanted to be when I was younger. Wouldn't that be cool if you showed up, and everybody's like, 'Hey, how's it going, Nick? Yeah, it's me, Bob, remember?...
She left, went and studied apes, and then just came home -- went for six years and then just came home. And it's like, what a weird thing to do with your life. She just went and studied them, like how they act and how they eat and they function,...
Why don't old people drive fast? They always drive so slow. It doesn't make any sense if you think about it. Whenever I get stuck behind them, I'm always like, 'Come on, let's go. You're dying. Time is running out! You've got to move! You could go...
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