Most Popular Tags Today
1-20 of 36 Results
A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I got into an argument with a girl inside a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, 'cause then I tried to walk out and slam the flap.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?
A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool -- except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'
If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
People who smoke cigarettes, they say 'Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes, I do -- it's as hard as it is to start flossing.
I get up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour, which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
I worked at Zany's Comedy Club in Nashville, and I wasn't getting a lot of laughs. People weren't laughing, so after one show, the club owner said, 'Mitch, you're not getting any laughs. You're gonna have to vacuum the club.' He made me vacuum....
Frogs are always cool. Like, never has there been a frog hopping towards me, and I thought, 'Man, I better play dead. Here comes that frog.' I've never said, 'Here comes that frog' in a horrifying manner. It's always optimistic, like, 'Hey, here...
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down... When he knocked on the wall, I would mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around.'
To do this show, I had to take a physical, and they asked me a lot of medical questions. And they were, like, yes and no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, 'Have you ever tried sugar -- or PCP?'
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do things besides comedy. They say, 'OK, you're a stand-up comedian -- can you act? Can you write? Write us a script?'... It's as though if I were a cook and I worked my ass...
The AIDS test is very scary to get. It doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, and I say, 'Hey Brian, do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool, 'cause you know me.'
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
