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I've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' I really like that. I'd like to do that with jokes....
Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.'
I went to a De La Soul concert recently, and they really hype up the audience. They were in the middle of the concert, like, 'Is the party over here?' And people are like, 'Woo!' 'Is the party over here?' People are like, 'Woo!' I'd like to do...
My friends drink anywhere. My friends drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat -- I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of Dirty Panties with my Spanish speaking crew. I was like, 'Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates...
I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'
This is the last card that I found. It's a New Year's card, but this is a little bit of a trick. You gotta watch for the subtlety. It's to my mom, from my dad. So it says, 'Have a Happy New Year.' Watch for the subtlety -- to my mom, from my dad...
Rappers now will be like, 'It's 2005, motherf**ker.' I'm like, you're mad about the date? You've gotta pick your battles, man.
Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time...
I feel like there's too many cameras right now. Like, you go to buy something, and everything's also a camera. They'll be like, 'It's also a camera.' And I'm like, 'I just wanted a grapefruit.'
I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. Like he's that guy you invite to the bar-b-que 'cause you know he'll start the whiffle ball game.
I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit...
I walked on stage as I heard them say, 'Please welcome Mike Bahooski!', and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, 'You didn't even try! You just said "B" and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That's a really specific choice.'
I went to a dance club the other day, which was timely because my self-esteem had been hovering around normal, and I'd been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.
I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it's never anything good, like, 'We found something in your bladder, and it's season tickets to the Yankees!'
Yo' therapist so crazy, she interpretin' her own dreams.
This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after...
I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'
I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like...
