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Since I've been out of high school, I've been to 32 weddings. That's like 17-and-a-half miles of the electric slide, folks.
I went to medical school here at Columbia. I got my M.D. I was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up -- and not just because of the lawsuits.
I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine. Turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.
There is nothing funny about the death penalty -- except the name. Folks, death is not a penalty; 10 yards is a penalty.
I'm the only single guy left out of all of my friends. I'm the last man standing. It's like my buddies and I were in a war movie, where we're storming the beach with machine gun nests, only instead of bullets, they're shooting rings.
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