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I'm afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.
Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.
My friends from L.A. stop me and say, 'Maria, you already do so much. You make people laugh; it's the greatest gift in the world.' I only do that, like, four minutes a day, if it's going well. Maybe in the off-time, I could sponge bathe the dying or just hose things off a little bit.
My supervisor -- let's call him Greenbean -- said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I...
Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? I'm so hungry right now.
Sometimes I still get a little homesick. And that's when I like to put on my Led Zeppelin CD, plug in my curling iron and just get full-on, balls-to-the-wall pretty.
I actually thought about getting breast implants because I'm a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.
Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex. Sure -- a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.
I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, like, a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
Like most Americans, I like to help others while being televised. I'd like to go to an area of the world where they really need my help. Like, 'We're here in sub-Saharan Africa because people sometimes have to walk tens of hundreds of miles for...
This is my anxiety song: If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die/as long as I clench my fists at odd intervals, then the darkness within me won't force me to do anything inappropriately violent or sexual at dinner parties/as long as I keep humming the tune, I won't 'turn gay.'
I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
My sister's a doctor; she's super successful.... She's a pathologist, though I like to introduce her as 'This is my sister Sarah. She cuts up the dead into chunks.'
Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That's when you realize -- hey, maybe we have too much freedom in the United States: 'Can I ask you a quick question about the coffee? Is it organic? OK, I don't want it, I don't want it. I'd like...
I need a lip color that keeps up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1718),
lookin' good (489),
work/office (325),
fashion (114),
Maria Bamford (15)
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