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Do you ever get in debt? Do you know they call you? One guy called me every day last week. Finally I said, 'Look, every month I put everyone I owe into a hat. I pick three names; I pay those people. If you call me one more time, I'm taking you out of the hat.'
I actually just brought them back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
I'm actually dating a professional athlete now. He's a bowler.
They shake it at the end, did you know that? If women had penises, we would not shake them -- we would dab.
I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there.
You shouldn't be called ma'am until you've had your first mammogram.
I love fights. Well, I don't like the actual fight; I like the loose change on the floor afterward.
I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and breathe on someone, you can disorientate them? Who needs a mint this strong? If you think you need a mint this strong, what you need is a tongue scraper.
I get in the dressing room. I'm in there like five, 10 minutes. She comes knocking at the door. I go, 'What?' 'You've been in there a while. Are you OK?' I open the door a crack. I said, 'No. Could you get me some toilet paper?'
I saw a truck out here today. On the side of the door, it said, 'Driver has no cash.' I'm broke too. I don't plaster it all over the side of my car.
I became a mom myself for the first time. I actually adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.
My mom wanted to know why I never get home for the holidays. I said, 'Well, I can't get Delta to wait in the yard while I run in.'
Have you been scuba diving? In Hawaii they tell you you don't have to be certified. For $65, you get the tank, wetsuit, goggles, fins, a five-minute safety briefing, and you're on your way into the ocean. Of course, you have to leave your Visa card because a lot of people don't come back.
Their arms are so huge, they can't get their hands in their pockets. I don't know how they take a leak. They must have to use prongs or something.
We had our Year of the Woman. It took us hundreds of years to get one Year of the Woman, then we get a year -- one of us cuts her husband's penis off. I don't think we're getting another year.
My father was a gambler and an alcoholic, but he was also very vain. So one day, he gave up his vices to save up enough money for a hair transplant. Two days after the transplant was complete, he got drunk and -- on a $20 bet -- shaved his head. So, I owe him $20 bucks.
I actually come from a mixed marriage. My mom's Jewish and my dad's Irish Catholic alcoholic, so I whine on the inside.
Safety was not a big thing when I was growing up. A seatbelt was something that got in the way. I'd be like, 'Ma, this seatbelt's digging into my back.' 'Well, stuff it down into the seat. What are you, mental? Roll those windows up. You're letting the smoke out.'
You don't know what love is 'til you become a parent. You don't know what love is 'til you fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.
I don't like hairy guys, though. I tried it. I dated a little, hairy guy once. He'd take a bath at my house -- it looked like the sewer backed up.
