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I like to go to fast food restaurants and order stuff they don't have. Got to try that. Go to Burger King or something -- 'Hey, Burger King! Have it my way, huh? Woo! Look at that menu... Ah, let me have the catfish dinner with brussel sprouts, two biscuits and a Coors Light.'
I want you in the worst way -- which is standing up in a hammock.
Last week I was in Mobile, Alabama -- very glad to be here. There are mutants in Mobile. They got social mutants. They got rednecks wanting to be yuppies, couldn't quite make that crossover. Bought BMWs, put mud-tires on 'em. Know what I'm talking...
If you're a guy and you've never seen a newborn child, let me tell you now, it's the miracle of life. Nothing more precious, nothing more delicate, nothing quite as ugly as a newborn child. They got no hair, they got no teeth -- they're like aliens.
I'll vote for the first person that just admits to anything. First person they walk up to and go, 'Excuse me, did you sleep with that woman?' 'Yeah! What's up, baby? How you doing, girl? Yeah, I slept with -- I'll sleep with her again! What's up,...
Our closest enemy is Castro. Anybody scared of Castro? Nah. It's like pissing off the slow kid in school.
They don't apologize for anything. You got a lot of guns around here? 'Yeah!' OK, that's not the response I was looking for. I hear you execute a lot of people too? 'Yeah!' Alright, I'm outta here.
They got the best car thieves in the world in Detroit. Yeah, I didn't think they could take mine 'cause the windows were rolled up, the doors were locked -- I was in the car at the time, actually.
If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gay platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my ass to think my ass is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?
I know it doesn't look like a lot to you ladies, but believe me, we do a lot of crap for that: fight wars, build bridges, pay cover....
Pulls me over, he goes, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' I go, 'Because I was speeding?' He goes, 'Nope, because you're black. Don't you read the papers?'
I remember my first sexual experience: back seat of my dad's car. I was young; I was in love; I was alone. No, not quite -- Dad was driving. He was pissed. It's a small car, and the top was down.
Ladies, if a guy ever tells you he wants to cover you from head to toe in honey and lick it off inch by inch, that's a man who's never done it before.
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