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Did you ever have someone give advice, and right in the middle of them giving you advice, you realize that really they're just giving themselves advice through you? My father does this all the time. He calls me up on the phone; he goes, 'Leo, Leo,...
Do you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store and then start to get all paranoid that they're going to think that you stole it? That happened to me recently at the gun store.
With Photoshop so readily available, there's no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.
This birthday party was awkward enough from the first moment I got there because the only person I knew at the whole party was the two-year-old. So, everyone's just looking at me, asking these boring questions: 'Why are you in our house? How do you know our son?' It's called: the Internet.
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said,...
I love that vegans are the only people you're allowed to make fun of nowadays. Even vegetarians are like, 'Pft! Stupid vegans. Why don't you eat some milk and eggs, you pussies?'
It was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed, very early in the morning. Her alarm clock goes off, and she goes, 'Oh my God, why did I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion. You know what? I...
I'm adopted. And I'm glad that my parents were honest enough with me to tell me that I'm adopted, but why every day?
You guys ever wake up laughing? That happened to me not too long ago. I woke up cracking up, and I had no idea why because I didn't have a funny dream or anything. But then I looked over, and next to me in the bed was a clown. Did you ever wake up...
So, before I did this, I worked for a while at an investment bank, which was great. They were kind of uptight, though. One day, they came in and said, 'Leo, from now on, every Friday is gonna be casual day,' and I said, 'Great.' So what I did was...
I'll always dress like this. But let's say I have a four-year-old son, and we're walking down the street together. I'll be dressed like this, but to balance it out, I'll make him wear a three-piece suit and carry a briefcase. And that way, when...
Drinking makes you think you're good at stuff it's dangerous to think you're good at, like say, communicating or drinking more or disarming a police officer or differentiating between men and women or getting into a fistfight with people on horseback.
If you don't mind, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about racism 'cause it's a serious problem. I'm Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews 'cause I'm a moneylender.
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