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Last year, the turkey weighed 185 pounds. It had a tattoo.
We're driving along, and my father would go, 'How could they be so wasteful, throwing away perfectly good lawn furniture?' 'Daddy, I don't think they're throwing it out. Their drinks are still on the table.'
I bought her this raccoon coat, and she got hit with a car crossing the street. Apparently, she froze when she saw the headlights.
I tried phone sex once. I did. I'll be honest with you -- I got my penis stuck in the nine.
My great-great-great-great grandfather was Mr. Potato Head.
You know why they call them blind dates? Because when you see the girl, you want to jab something sharp into your eyeballs.
We had to practice what to do in case the Communists dropped the bomb on us. Like that would be the first place they'd bomb -- a Catholic grade school.
I'm putting on weight for the summer... so I can get a big tan. So I can have people point to me on the beach, 'God, look at the size of that tan. That's a lot bigger than it was last year.'
I remember, on Palm Sunday, my brothers and I, we used to steal as many palms as we could, and we'd set the basement up like a Miami nightclub.
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