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The only part I believed was at the end of the movie when she wouldn't move her ass over and let him on the raft with her.
Ladies, you shouldn't do that. You know why? 'Cause we don't even care if you have them. You're totally wasting your time.
People are rude in New York, aren't they? You get a lot of this in New York: 'Hey, baby. Come on, baby.' You know, I don't like women like that.
I just don't know if women like me. I know when they don't like me 'cause they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'
Women get close to orgasms; guys don't. You ever get close to an orgasm? Guys don't get close -- we see the finish line, we cross the finish line. If we have to drag a broken leg, we will cross the finish line.
Well, you know, plants are living things, too. They're just easier to catch.
How do you not see that coming? Don't you gradually get fatter? It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up overnight. If you're walking out of your house sideways 'cause you're too fat, make a mental note, alright?
You get to eat for two. You don't have your period for nine months. It's like a summer vacation.
Really? These are the best years of my life? I live with my parents. I don't have a car. I'm a virgin. I have no money. And these are the best years of my life? Then kill me right now.
The Constitution says we have a right to bear arms. It was written 200 years ago. We got an army, Jethro -- relax.
You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time? It's the same here with the Bible.
Don't drink and drive unless you gotta get home fast.
If I had woke my dad at two in the morning and told him he had to come pick me up 'cause I was too drunk to drive home, my dad would have said, 'Well try, anyway. How many beers have you had? Six? What are you, a pussy? Get in that car. Pick up your mom on the way home.'
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