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If there's such a thing as reincarnation, I was never Chinese 'cause none of this crap's ringing a bell.
The flight attendant got on the back microphone the last flight I was on. She goes, 'Hi, my name's Mindy. We're sixth in line for takeoff, so I thought we'd play some games while we're waiting to take off. I want every row, as a team, to guess the...
I like Canada, but I forget it's up there. I always think of Canada as our attic: you forget it's up there, and then you get up there, you're like, 'Wow, look at all this crap.'
If you have missing relatives, for free, 'Unsolved Mysteries' will go ahead and help you find that relative. And I'm just here to tell you that, so far, from what I've seen, if you do have a relative that's missing, I would just go ahead and leave them missing.
The only sport I absolutely refuse to watch? Marathon running. Uh -- that looks like a bunch of anorexics in a hurry to get a burger.
If we came from monkeys, could somebody please just tell me -- why are there still monkeys?
I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I don't know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a...
Kids are cute; kids are fun. But they're kind of like living with homeless people, aren't they? They just chase you around the house all day long, going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm hungry. I need a ride.'
I read Cosmopolitan now because I quit buying perfume. Now, I just roll around in all my magazines before I leave the house.
My sister just got married. I was the maid of debt in that little event.
I was out last Sunday -- I didn't see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette. This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. 'Put it out, please, put it out.' I turned around -- she was three pews away!
I think, in 10 years, hell's gonna be the only place left where you can still smoke.
The guy in front of me went into convulsions, started swallowing his tongue. He was shaking and sweating and puking. His friend's like, 'Oh man, he's been drinking for 55 days straight. We gotta get him off this bus -- now.' So, we get him off the...
This was Cosmopolitan -- they said, 'Looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right? Tired of the bars? Try the laundromat.' Like I want to be 30 and dating a guy who can't afford a dryer.
But you know who was out working in the blizzard? The crack whores. Seriously, I went walking around -- people don't think about how hard of a job that is. I would be the worst crack whore in the cold ever. I'd be like, 'It's free, just let me in...
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