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I got a rental car, and they gave me a Daewoo. Daewoo: that's Korean for 'Just walk.'
I'm getting a new car. You know what kind of car I'm getting? I'm getting a Honda Civic because those are very safe cars. And I know 'cause I saw a guy total one the other day when I ran him off the road.
The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable. So I stabbed him.
For his birthday, my sister gets him a pinata... I'm not allowed over anymore because I kept going, 'Hey Evan, I bet there's some candy in that lamp over there.'
[My sister] goes, 'You know what your problem is, Karen? You think like a man.' So I said, 'I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.' And then I made her smell my socks.
I didn't know what they were. I turned it on, some woman's reading off sins -- I thought they were things to do in town.
This guy came on the screen, and he goes, 'The divorced Christian woman has to be very careful because men know she's been married and she's familiar.' I guess that would explain why people keep looking at me and going, 'Hey, you look really familiar.'
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