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I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?' He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.
I performed at a Democratic fundraiser in Miami Beach about two and a half years ago, and I performed for Bill Clinton. I did stand-up comedy for him as well.
My mother always sits in the front passenger seat because she likes to have the legroom. You know, I could have a mute, paraplegic friend who needed a ride somewhere, and my mom will still sit in the front passenger seat because she wants to have...
They're actually doing a whole musical review of my mother's life. It's going to be on Broadway. It's in previews; you should definitely go see it. It's called, 'Victim, Victorium.'
Jewish people can look at people's faces and tell if they're Jewish. It's a phenomenon that we have that we can't explain. It's just like black people: black people can pick out the black people in crowds; Jewish people can do the same thing.
This woman comes over to the bartender. She didn't want to offend him, so she orders an African American Russian. What the hell is that?
She just wrote her autobiography, my mother. You have to pick it up. It's in the stores now. It's entitled, 'I Came, I Saw, I Criticized.'
You know what the good thing about Alzheimer's disease is? You meet new people every day.
I always wanted my family to be like 'The Brady Bunch.' Do you remember what the father did on the show? Architect. He was brilliant. Six kids, two bedrooms -- that was really intelligent.
We used an anonymous sperm donor, which I know is very fascinating to a lot of people. So people are always trying to get information out of me by asking me the stupidest questions. A couple of weeks ago, I was with the baby, and this woman comes...
I played clarinet in the marching band and I was fat, which was horrible because we used to sell these candy bars for the band so we could go on band trips at the end of the year. They would give us a huge box of candy bars at the beginning of the...
Every item in women's clothing stores now has shoulder pads in them, right? Because women are actually supposed to look more masculine, more broad, more aggressive for the 90s. I heard that L'eggs is coming out with new pantyhose with cups in them.
We got them an answering machine, which is like the stupidest gift to give your parents because no one ever calls my parents except for their kids. So my mother put the appropriate message on the machine: 'Look, we're not here right now. If you'd...
My therapist is so weird. I go in last week; she brings her daughter in to listen to my session. I'm like, 'What's this with the kid?' 'It's career day.'
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