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I had a weird day today. Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don't want to say, but you sort of have to because he's your dad?
My uncle's actually from Brooklyn, New York. He has a thick New York accent. Like instead of saying, 'What time is it?,' he'll say, 'Get outta here -- I'm drunk.'
I love when you get on planes, they're like, 'In the event of a crash landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device.' If we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna double as a toilet.
You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?
Google's awesome because on Google, you can just type in anything and get it wrong, and it knows what you meant. It's like psychic, right? Like two weeks ago, I typed in 'How do you make cupcakes?,' and it said, 'Do you mean "How do you know if you're gay?"'
So, I'm Jewish. I changed my name because it sounded too ethnic. My real name's Jordan Jeweyjewhebrewberg."
I don't have a huge penis, but I had everything in my bedroom built to three-quarters scale so it looks bigger.
That's the gayest thing in the world: a fanny pack. If you're a guy, you're wearing a fanny pack, the only thing inside there's, like, a butt plug and Streisand tickets.
I got pulled over for drunk driving the other day. The cops had me walk that line. I said the one thing you shouldn't say. I was like, 'Stop wiggling it.' 'Cause that gives you away.
I don't eat chicken; I'm a vegetarian. I'm not a full vegetarian, like I'll eat hamburgers and hot dogs.
Women never hit on me. Gay guys always hit on me. I don't want to be gay. I'm strong enough for a man, but I'm pH balanced for a woman.
I have a porno movie where they try to make the woman have an orgasm in it. Oh my God, it's like 10 hours long.
I got a German porno movie the other day. It has subtitles, which is great 'cause, otherwise, I would have had no idea what was going on.
I don't mind fat people, I just don't like fat people that try to pretend that one part of their body's fat. Like my Aunt Sara's like that. I'll be like, 'Hey, Aunt Sara, you want a piece of this cake?' She'll be like, 'I can't have that cake....
Whenever you tell someone you're afraid to fly, they're like, 'You know, it's the safest way to travel.' Really? I think walking beats it. I never been walking along and just burst into flames and then fell 20,000 feet. Maybe it's just the way that I walk, though. I'm a real careful walker.
Black guys have the coolest lines. They have like, 'Yo, once you go black, you never go back.' What do you white guys get to say? It's like, 'Hey, once you got white, you just don't feel so good.'
They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of...
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1620),
alcohol (428),
blue collar (282),
driving (241),
police business (72),
Jordan Rubin (17)
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