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I have been doing a lot of benefits this year. As a matter of fact, last night I did a benefit for the survivors of a benefit I had done the week before.
Anybody who tells you that life is brief hasn't been to the registry of motor vehicles recently.
My aunt passed away two weeks ago. She was cremated -- and we think that's what did it.
I had dinner tonight with my father. I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, 'Can you pass me the salt, please?' But it comes out, 'You creep, you ruined my childhood.'
She's an only child. The other day, she asked me why she has no brothers and sisters. I didn't want to get into it, so I said, 'Look, you have an older sister, but you're always missing her by about five minutes.' She says, 'Hey, that's like my...
Lately, I think that my wife has been fooling around because our parrot keeps saying, 'Give it to me hard and fast before my husband, Jon Katz, comes home. And, yes, I'd love a cracker.'
I'm sitting at the bar. This big guy sits down next to me, a construction worker, and we start talking about nuclear war. I say to him, 'Look, you hear the sirens go off, the missiles are on their way, you got 20 minutes to live: what are you...
To make eye contact with a woman in New York is not easy. The only way to do that is to walk about three feet behind her at night.
I have been working with the horse community in the area of sexual harassment. Our feeling is that when a horse says 'Nay,' it's exactly what they mean.
I was a late bloomer with women. Before I met my wife, I had virtually no experience. I remember on our wedding night, I tried to inflate her.
I was driving like a maniac to get here on time. I took a wrong turn, and I see a sign that says, 'Caution: Small Children Playing.' So, I slowed down. Then it occurs to me -- I'm not afraid of small children.
My wife, who tends to be overcautious, had the ultrasound last week, which, even the doctors say, is not necessary when you're adopting.
He's 81 years old, going through a divorce suit. The age of 81 -- and my stepmother's trying to get custody of me and my older sister.
Even if you like New York, you'll admit it's not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle -- 10 years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now, he's a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect people still say, 'May I approach the bench?' And that's sweet.
Cambridge is the kind of place where you can walk into a children's bookstore and find a self-help section. Yesterday, I saw a book for five-year-olds, called, 'Learning to Tie Your Inner Shoe.'
We seem to be going through all the traditional stages of a marriage. She recently went through the 'faking a headache' stage. Now she's going through the 'I find you physically repugnant' stage. I miss the headache stage.
We'd been trying for years to have another kid. We went to a fertility clinic in New York about a year ago. The doctor asked me to bring in a sample, which I did the next day. I handed it to his receptionist. It was like an ancient reflex, I said, 'I'll call you.'
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