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I was in the bank the other day. I was on line for about 45 minutes. I got bored. So, the guy standing in front of me -- I just punched him in the back of the head. I said, 'I'm sorry. I thought I knew you.'
Kids suck. I hate kids. They're like old people with energy.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks.
My all-time favorite movie was the Alfred Hitchcock movie, 'The Birds.' I saw it with my older brother. We get home that night -- I went to bed; he opened up all the windows and poured croutons on me.
My girlfriend wanted to go to a poetry reading the other night. I said, 'How about if we just break up?'
How many people here are stupid? It's good to be stupid. It takes a lot of pressure off you. You do something wrong -- 'What are you, stupid?' 'Yeah.'
I saw a thing in the store the other day, 'Buy a set of dumbbells, get a video tape on how to use it.' I'm thinking to myself, 'You don't know how to use dumbbells -- what are the odds you know how to use a VCR?'
I was in New York over the weekend. The crime there is incredible. I was getting on the plane, I looked into the cockpit, and around the steering wheel, they had The Club.
I don't think ugly people know they're ugly. I was at a party with a friend the other night. He says to me, 'Look at that chick over there. She's a dog.' I said, 'So are you. Go over and say hello. Just don't have any kids.'
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