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I get the worst compliments all the time. 'Oh you're Asian? I love orange chicken.'
When monkeys get mad, they crap in their hand and they throw it. How cool is that? Who's going to fight a guy with a lump of crap in his hand?
I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget.
You think you're tough because you catch a football? That's tough? That ain't tough. Let a football come out of your ass.
The penis, when you pull the underwear down -- it's like a drunk friend just falling out of a car.
A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son 'cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. It's also a constant reminder to wear a condom.
Guys don't even know what condoms are any more. You ever ask a guy, 'Hey, you got a condom?' 'Nah, I live in an apartment.'
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