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Once you hit 30, your life changes -- all the 30-year-olds know what I'm talking about. You hit 30, you don't run for the bus anymore. You get about halfway and go, 'Oh, there's other buses. I'm 30, this is garbage. I'm taking a cab to the bus.'
My optometrist says it comes from years of doing stand-up comedy, staring into the lights. Said he could fix it with laser surgery. I said, 'What're you gonna do?' He said, 'I'm gonna shine this light in your eye.'
Snails are untrustworthy because they crawl around with their houses on their backs.
Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won't give them to you. He's all weird about it, too, isn't he? 'No, those are mine.' Alright, you keep 'em, you freak. Bring 'em home, look at 'em late and touch yourself, see if I care.
You got to stay out of the men's locker room, don't you? What a horrible, disgusting place that is, just filled with naked 85-year-old men -- just totally nude, nowhere near the shower, just nude and loitering. When I'm nude, I move fast. I'm looking for my clothes.
Getting old, I can't stop it. What a miserable life this turned out to be. Losing the hair on my head, getting some new hair right above my ass at the crack -- what the hell kind of tradeoff is that?
My next door neighbor's the Keebler Elf. Oh, I hate that little prick. He keeps me up at night making cookies in his tree. That's no way to run a business. There're zoning laws, you f**king shrimp.
I bought a car when I moved to Los Angeles 'cause I've never seen a bus. Oh, they have the stops, but the bus never comes by. You'd think L.A. was filled with homeless, but it's just people waiting for the bus.
Not a very tough country, huh? They got an army; they just didn't give them guns or anything. Look at the Canadian flag -- it's not a symbol of power, it's a leaf. Oh, don't screw with Canada. They'll dry up and blow away.
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