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Do you know what retired parents are like? They're like telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
I don't have any sympathy for people who suffer from low self-esteem. You don't need to love yourself. You just need to hate a lot of other people, then grade yourself on the curve. Hey, I might suck, but I don't suck as bad as Hitler.
Poor Jesus. First he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.
I didn't lose my virginity 'til I was 18 years old. Think that's because I was born by caesarean section. I really didn't have a frame of reference.
One time when I was feeding the squirrels, I happened to catch sight of two rats who were looking on with obvious envy, and it hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.
Our Supreme Court has even ruled that forcing one inmate to share a cell with another who smokes is cruel and unusual punishment. In other words, our justice has decided that a prisoner can still sodomize his cell mate, he just can't enjoy that come down cigarette afterward.
There are too many weird Olympic events now, like that one where the gymnasts prance around the mat swirling a piece of ribbon. It's called 'rhythmic gymnastics' -- unless you're five, then it's called 'playing.'
I was present for all of their births. That's expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I'm still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it's like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim....
I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth because a newborn is about the size of a basketball. And if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again -- not even on weekends.
There's a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. 'I'm a loser because my father's an alcoholic.' No, your father's an alcoholic because you're a loser.
I've always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, 'It's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.' I wouldn't go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.'
Those who abstain from pre-marital sex will argue that the greatest gift a woman can offer a man is her virginity. Not necessarily -- everything has a shelf life. I like cheesecake, but not if it's been sitting in the freezer for 30 years.
I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.
Women should have teleprompters mounted on their foreheads. That way, we could read whatever they wanted us to say and still almost make eye contact and appear sincere.
Now I keep reading that I'm over the hill sexually. I don't even remember having a sexual peak when I was 19; I just remember apologizing a lot.
I don't like interviews after the games, though, because the winning players always give credit to God, while the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game -- until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'
One woman broke up with me and told me I was insecure. I thought, 'Great, this is gonna help. I feel a lot better about myself now.'
Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them straight. I couldn't do that. I could make a straight woman gay, though. I got that going for me.
It's never easy putting a pet to sleep. That's why we say things like, 'We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.' No, what you decided was that Fluffy's company isn't worth $500.
