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You know what scares me about AIDS? Getting it. Outside of that, it doesn't bother me much.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.
I don't want to be younger, I really don't. Every time I look back a couple years, I think, 'God, what a jerk I was.' But with that knowledge comes the realization that I'm a jerk right now. I think that's why old people get real quiet. They're like, 'Man, I'm an idiot. I'm going to just stand right here.'
I love my wife, I really do. In fact, she talked about getting breast implants, but you know, then we found out how dangerous they were, so she's not going to get them. So, she just got me the implants, which works out better 'cause I can bring...
It was traumatic for me -- not as traumatic as turning gay.
When I was 22, I'd be like, 'Shut up, man. I ain't gay. Shut up. I'll kill you, man. I'll kill you.' Now I'm like, 'Oh, you think I'm 37? Fine, I'm a queer. Whatever. 35? I'm a little pink cowboy.'
Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that.
At night, when I'm dreaming and a naked woman approaches me in my dreams, I tell her I'm married. How sad is that? I can hear my subconscious yelling at me, 'Nail her! I set this all up for you, you idiot!'
If the truth be known, I don't hit my children because I really don't think I could hit them a little.
I start shaving myself, and with every stroke, it's looking more and more pathetic down there, you know? It's like, 'Oh my God, I look like a 12-year-old boy.' So, you know, I left sideburns.
If I was in charge, I would not have the Olympics in our country anymore. Don't let the whole world come here and see our stuff. It just pisses them off.
Faith is a huge concept for anyone to grasp, never mind a child. You have to be careful you don't send mixed signals. I mean, when I found out Santa Claus and Easter Bunny weren't real, that made it real tough on God and Jesus. Hey -- at least the other guy stopped by once a year and gave me something.
When I was younger, if a girlfriend was bothering a president, the CIA killed her.
When I was 23, if the president was hitting on me, I'd f**k him, too.
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