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Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much he stood up and walked out of the room.
I just get in my elevator one day: there is Spider-Man. I'm like, 'Well, you've gotten a little lazy, haven't you? Remember the old days when you'd take the side of the building?'
He's got one ball. He's more aerodynamic. He just puts it on the bar and goes for it. Everybody else has got mud flaps... Meanwhile, here comes Fancy Pants One Ball, sneaking up behind you.
I got a huge head, one of the bigger heads you'll see on the show tonight. I know it's a big head because every time I'm in a picture, it always looks like I'm really close to the camera.
I read a story about a dog that was in the same tornado as me. I felt bad for this dog, because the dog got picked up by the tornado and thrown 125 feet, and he survived when he landed in a tree. I felt bad for that dog because dogs don't know...
A hurricane you can watch come at you for a week on the TV, and you don't get out of the way. A tornado -- you're just in a trailer making meth; next thing you know, it's tipped over.
How sh*tty of a boyfriend do you have to be to get dumped by a chick with four kids? Hello -- she's not a catch.
One day I came home, he was passed out in his Spider-Man outfit in front of the building, and the fire department had to show up with the clear paddles and bring him back to life. What a bad day to be a kid driving by and seeing Spider-Man.
When I'm getting my ass kicked, I lift up the guy's shirt and start blowing on his belly. Guys do not know how to respond to that at all 'cause they're all angry inside, right? Then you give them a raspberry on their tummy. Oh, they want to...
That's what I call my penis, 'the roll of nickels,' 'cause if you put it in your mouth, it tastes funny.
You ever go on the Internet, get all liquored up and take pictures of your balls and send them to people? That is the information superhighway, right there, my friend. You don't have to leave your bed anymore to flash your grandma.
The other day in China, a lady had a baby with three arms. Oh my God! They're always one step ahead of us. He's probably making shoes and toys right now as we speak.
I was there for the Kentucky Derby. It sounds fantastic, but it isn't. It's two minutes, and then you're drunk with a bunch of hillbillies.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1620),
sports (623),
alcohol (428),
blue collar (282),
travel (277),
Ian Bagg (13)
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