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I went to the tanning salon a couple of weeks ago, this place called Tantastic. I had never been in my life. I didn't know how the whole tanning process worked. I go in -- stupid girl that works there didn't tell me where those little goggles go;...
My favorite owl is the snowy owl. This is my impression of the snowy owl: 'Hoo! Hoo, hoo! Hoo! Hoo -- f**k, it's cold.'
Here's what you do to get rid of spiders: go out, catch some flies, dip them into Tabasco sauce and flick them into the web.
You gotta feel bad for flies, though, huh? Lowly little thing on the totem pole. What happened when they were giving that out? Like lion: Lion, you will be king of the beasts and reign supreme over all other creatures. Fly: you will fly all around, and when you get tired, you will land on pooh.
I finally did it. I went out and got some cosmetic surgery done. I had my chin removed and my ears enlarged. It sucks having no chin, man. In the last two weeks alone, I've lost 17 motorcycle helmets.
I had a fly in my house last week. This is what I did: I caught him, pulled all his legs off. Little bastard can't land. He's been airborne for five days. So, I went to the dog park, got a big loaf of Basset Hound pooh, put it on my living room floor just to tease him.
We hate crows, don't we? We hate them so much we invented scarecrows. Scarecrows don't scare crows. They attract homeless people. Think about it: you're a homeless guy walking down the road -- there's some new clothes and a field full of food.
Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head.
Have you heard the word, friends? The al Qaedas are coming to get us. Every time you turn on the TV, there they are swinging on the monkey bars in their black bathrobes, somersaulting over that piece of wood. I'm afraid to go to the park in Home Depot.
I'm terrified. Every week, it's a new terror alert. It's orange. It's green. It's yellow. Last week, it was like cranberry-cinnamon-butterscotch ripple.
I went and bought one of these laser jet printers a while back: $99 bucks for a brand new laser jet printer. What a steal, I thought -- $99 bucks -- 'til a couple of weeks ago, the little ink cartridge ran out, and I had to buy a new one: $700.
I'm over in Chinatown, everyone's speaking Chinese. What a beautiful language that is. The rhythm, the cadence -- it's like a song. I'm standing in Chinatown, and I'm thinking to myself, 'I don't speak Chinese,' but I figure, if I try, I gotta be saying something, right?'
So, I go into the men's room, and I start to do a little tinkle, and fellas, you ever get any of that weird, mysterious underwear lint stuck in the eye of the needle? I started to do a tinkle -- two of 'em come out. I'm like a magical, mystical wizard.
Hey, if a chick's wearing a thong, and she accidentally craps her pants, does that cut it right in two?
Last night I could not get to sleep; I'm just flipping around in my bed, can't get to sleep. So here's what I do: I wake up at three in the morning, I go over to Krispy Kreme donuts. I buy two lovely honey-glazed donuts. I stick them to my eyes, and I climb up into a pine tree and pretend I'm an owl.
Everything's 'Star Wars' nowadays, isn't it, man? You go out to dinner with a friend. Between their beeping watch, their pager, their cell phone, it's like you're out with R2D2 for the evening.
There's certain questions the government doesn't want you to ask. We know where garlic powder comes from. We know where chili powder comes from, my friends. But the government doesn't want us to know where baby powder comes from.
The government doesn't want you to know this, but the sea turtle has been officially removed from the endangered species list. So, if you're down at the beach, and you see one of the little, loveable creatures flop up on the shore, feel free to kick the crap out of it.
Gardening stores and hardware stores sell manure for $12 a bag. The government doesn't want you to know this, but if you were to ask your friends and family real nicely, they'd probably come over to your house and crap on your lawn for free.
This is the question the government doesn't want you to ask: if the Pillsbury Doughboy or any member of his family caught a yeast infection, how the hell would you know?
