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He's like, 'Hey, man, where are you from?' So I told him, 'I'm from Queens, New York.' And then he's like, 'No, I mean where are you really from?' Which, for those of you who don't know, that's code for, 'No, I mean, why aren't you white?'
The cocoa butter had been moved to the 'ethnic needs' section of my supermarket. And at first I was happy. I'm like, 'Ethnic needs: end of police brutality, more access to health care, more educational opportunities. Finally.' No, no -- just hair relaxers and cocoa butter, apparently.
I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?
Vegans don't use animal products in their food, and that's a key part of soul food. That is an essential part of soul food: animal products. Therefore, vegan soul food is essentially a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics.
I just got back from Portland, Oregon. Portland, of course, is a very progressive city, one that does not spay or neuter its hippie population. So there is an overabundance.
Portland is a city where you can find the answer to the question, 'How many didgeridoos do you need to hear until you want to blow your brains out?' Anybody know the answer to that one? It's one. That's right, it's one.
As I was exiting my apartment this evening, I saw parked out in front a hybrid Escalade. A hybrid Escalade. Come to terms with that reality. What kind of people are buying a hybrid Escalade? 'Well, you see, I'm an environmentalist. And my...
I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.
The first article's called 'Top Ten Endangered Places.' Here's the first sentence: 'Climate change and tourism are threatening to destroy these natural wonders.' I'm kind of surprised here. Clearly tourism is in the best interest of the airline...
I love chocolate. Here's why I love chocolate so much. You see, in this country, a person is assumed to be white unless otherwise specified. That's why I like chocolate. Because when you first think of chocolate, you think of something brown. And...
Why did we need white chocolate to begin with? What was wrong with chocolate? It's chocolate, it's great. Why did we need to make white chocolate? Do you love the taste of chocolate but can't stand looking at it? Well, try some white chocolate -- it's from the people that brought you white Jesus.
There's so much hatred between people of different faiths in the world. That doesn't really make sense to me, especially the hatred between the Jews, the Christians and the Muslims. Those are Abrahamic religions. They have a lot in common. The...
It's this anti-immigration legislation that they're trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think that's horrendous. But what amazes me is...
You can't kill other people to acoustic guitar. You could only kill yourself.
Number one: anyone who has called their car 'ghetto' because their built-in GPS didn't work.
Anyone whose first real job was being the star of a reality television show and the name of the show wasn't: 'Inner City Youth Unable to Find Work and Forced to Star in Reality Television Show' -- will die in the revolution.
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