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There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
Seventy-two virgins -- does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
This one homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?'
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
Edible underwear? Even during sex, we can't stop eating.
I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
I'm just glad the little guy's getting work. There hasn't been a Mexican actor getting that much TV time since Erik Estrada landed on 'CHiPs.'
I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.
We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.
You're sitting there with your kid -- you haven't even explained sex yet, now you've got to jump right to the genital herpes.
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times...
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
