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New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off....
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't...
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.
Thirty-two is weird because I'm not really young anymore, but I'm not really old yet. I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne. So, physically it's all...
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes...
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top -- nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead....
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms -- spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's...
I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.
Same thing every year: up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls -- and then you leave the house.
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
We're at a wishing well one day. I'm with my son and I give him a penny, and I said, 'Owen, you take this penny, you throw it in the water, and you can wish for anything you want.' So he takes the penny, throws it into the water. I go, 'What'd you wish for?' He goes, 'To throw the penny in the water.'
I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.
She goes, 'No, this is really good for his immune system.' I said 'Two years? I think at this time, we can safely dunk him in a bucket of polio.'
I just did some real gambling. I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.
When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
