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He's the badass of the group -- like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.
At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'
So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult -- kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't -- those are the good plates.'
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID -- for cake.
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.
For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some -- help! -- curtains.'
If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the f**k you're talking about.
Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'
When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.
You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'
I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume -- 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
I was coming down the street today with my girlfriend. This guy shouts out, 'Hey man, your girlfriend's a peach!' And I thought, 'Well, that's nice.' And then it turns out she has a really fuzzy face and a stem.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
men/women (1718),
animals (947),
family (349),
aging (239),
Greg Behrendt (17)
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