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I read this article that said your car reflects your personality. I don't have a car.
I hate it when people don't do their jobs. It's rampant in this country today. There's a company -- you know by their name they're not going to do anything: U-Haul.
I always have car trouble. I had a 1979 Chrysler. Talk about underpowered -- I was driving, I pushed in the cigarette lighter, the car slowed down.
This guy picked up a dumb hitchhiker, and he said, 'Before we go any place, there might be something wrong with my right rear blinker. Will you go back there and check it?' The guy went back there. He said, 'Is it working?' The real dumb hitchhiker said, 'Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not.'
Hey, I've got good news. I got back $8,000 on my income tax. The bad news is I'm going to prison.
Reagan would always say something I never understood when he was talking about the Russians: 'Trust, but verify' -- which, to me, makes no sense. If I trust my girlfriend when she says she was home by herself last night, I don't have to verify by checking up -- which I did, and she's a lying bitch.
All my life, my mom has been tired. How come mothers are so tired? She's bone tired. She's dog tired. She's overly tired. I keep telling her, 'Mom, you need some crack.'
Did you read about the couple that lost the $10 million in the McDonald's contest because their daughter was an employee? What a double whammy. They lose the $10 million, plus the embarrassment of having everybody know they've got a relative working at McDonald's.
I like elderly people, unless they brag about their age. 'Look at me. I'm 94 years old.' 'Well, good, that means you'll be passing away soon.'
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