I am Jewish; my girlfriend's not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, 'Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah?' She's like, 'Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah.' I was like, 'You idiot, there's 32...
Every gym, the water fountain situation -- always the same. There's always one water fountain everybody uses, then there's one three feet below it, next to it, no one touches. Who's it for? What little midget treasure trolls at your gym?
I was working a club once, and the waitress came up to one of my buddies, and she goes, 'I really want to sleep with Geoff Keith.' That's me! And then she goes -- I swear to God -- 'But I just know that he's way out of my league.' Does any guy in...