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Have you ever dialed the wrong number, and instead of hanging up the phone, you try to scare the person on the other end of the line? I was calling this friend of mine the other day. I go, 'Hi, is Jane there?' He goes, 'No, for crying out loud....
I quit drinking booze. Now, I'm what you'd call a 'social drinker,' which means if someone says they'll have a drink, I say, 'So shall I.'
People come up to me, and they say, 'Gene, certainly comedy can't be your main source of income.'
I got in a big fight with my girlfriend. She's really immature. She sleeps with this big stupid teddy bear. I told her, 'I can't believe you're 25, and you sleep with a stupid teddy bear.' She goes, 'So what? You sleep in your pajamas.' And I go,...
I bought a brand new Porsche 944 Turbo. I really couldn't afford it, but I figured -- what the hell, I'll just pick up a couple extra hours a week at work. So, I'm working 137 hours a week now.
I've been having a lot of hang-ups lately about homosexuality. I don't know why; I just have them. For a long time, I thought maybe one of my roommates was gay. So finally, last night, when he asked me to slow dance naked with him in the strobe...
I was in the supermarket, and I had these two shopping carts full of groceries, and I was waiting in line. This guy got in line behind me, and all he had was a jar of spaghetti sauce and some spaghetti. He kept checking his watch and looking at my...
People will come up to me, they'll go, 'Gosh, Gene, you don't look Mexican. You look kind of white.' I say, 'Some Mexicans are kind of white; some are kind of brown. OK, Mom?'
I'm an old school, hardcore political activist. For instance, I still won't eat grapes because of the plight of the migrant farm workers. I also won't eat raisins because of the older migrant farm workers. That's how hardcore I am. I also won't eat prunes. That's for a completely different reason.
Every year for my birthday, she would make me a birthday cake from scratch, and then she would let me lick the egg beaters. And then she would turn them on, and that would hurt my tongue.
He goes, 'I'm sorry. My gardener's Mexican. He doesn't look or act anything like you.' I said, 'That's a coincidence because my landlord's a moron, and you guys dress totally different.'
When I was 18 years old, one of my older brothers, he took me aside, and he told me he was gay. So, I called the police. I said, 'Could you send over a cop car? My brother's a homosexual.' They said, 'Sir, we cannot send over a cop car just...
We live in very difficult times. It's particularly difficult if you're raising a child. So, I recently put mine up for adoption.
It's amazing to me that it's the year 2003 and women are still getting 75 cents for every dollar that a man earns. I mean, don't you think it's time women get equal pay? We have got to let women put in extra hours.
I quit smoking cigarettes about a year ago. I gained 18 pounds. So, now I have to wear a lot of black so no one knows what a big hunk of pig I turned into. No matter what I do, I cannot lose this 18 pounds. It's really starting to kick my ass. I mean I have tried everything short of diet and exercise.
Before I came to New York, I heard it was the city that never sleeps. I gotta be honest with you -- I mean no disrespect -- I'm not so sure about that. I was cruising down 2nd Avenue at about 3:30 in the morning on Tuesday -- there were people sleeping all over the g**damn place.
I read this article recently that, officially, one in three people in New York are Latino. So if you look to your left and you look to your right, and neither one of those people look Hispanic, folks -- you're, in fact, a Latino.
I've been on the road a long time. I haven't really had the chance to see my girlfriend. She called me up; she wanted us to have phone sex. I'm not really into phone sex, but to make her happy, we had the phone sex. It was really nice -- until I got the receiver stuck in my butt.
The first time we were having sex, in the middle of it, she turns into this tigress. You know, she starts going, 'Talk to me, talk to me.' And I said, 'Hi, how are you? How's work?'
I feel bad for older male Latino actors 'cause older male Hispanic actors -- they always give them the same crappy line in every hacky movie. Like, you'll see the guy's son, and he'll die in a hail of gunfire. Then the father, he'll drop to his...
