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I got a parrot; it turned on me. You don't realize how strong those birds are, but I was walking by its cage one day -- boom! -- the next thing you know, I'm in a chair,; I'm all tied up; I have a gag in my mouth. And the parrot's sitting in front...
It's gonna get worse. We're gonna find out fluoride -- yeah, it gets your teeth white, but it seeps up through your gums into your brain, gives you a nervous disorder. Still gets your teeth white, but you can't get the brush to your mouth anymore.
I tried hypnotism, went to the guy, guaranteed. Snaps his fingers -- 'You'll never smoke again.' Got home, doorbell rings -- started acting like a chicken, so I think he messed up.
I miss New York. I miss the subways, believe it or not. So, what I do is I have a tape recording of just the sound of the subway, and every morning, I get up, I go into my closet, I close the door, I put the tape on, and I just hang there with my...
I try to recycle, I try to save water, but sometimes I go, 'The hell with it. We're losing. I'm giving up.' I want to have sex with a women without a condom -- a Twinkie in my mouth, suntan lotion all over me -- that far away from Three Mile Island, going, 'Come and get me.'
That's gonna be the next civil war in this country: smokers or non. The non-smokers are gonna win. What are the smokers gonna do -- run?
I don't know what to eat. I don't know what to drink. You can't have sex. We're in a recession. I swear, in the future, we're just gonna be a bunch of horny, starving, thirsty people with maxed out Visas.
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