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One of my biggest hobbies? I like to rush to judgment.
You ever just stop going to a job? You don't even quit; you just stop showing up one day. I've done that a lot. I'm probably still on a couple of schedules.
If I ever have to get another job, and I know I have to get fired that day, that day I'm going to go to work with a pocketful of glitter. And when my boss fires me, I'm going to be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Glitter?' And I'm going...
Nelly's pretty cool. He's got this one song where he talks about how hot it is and how this girl should just take her clothes off. But then the girl's like, 'It is hot in here. I'm going to take my clothes off.' And I'm like, 'Damn, this guy's like a hypnotist.'
I hate magicians, and you know why? They're never prepared, that's why. They always need something from the audience. I'm like, 'You knew you were going to do that trick, Harry Potter. Bring your tricks!'
My first impression of the current conflict between the Israelis and Palestinians: 'Mom, Israel's touching me!'
I suck at math. If you suck at math, you can't get a cool job later on in life. That's a big reason I'm a comic is because I suck at math. If it wasn't for math, I'd be the funniest guy at NASA.
I had a horrible set of encyclopedias growing up. My parents didn't want to get new ones, so they got my grandma's old ones. A-Z was covered in two books then... I had no idea how old they were until I got back my failed report on the five planets of our solar system.
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