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Your name's not Dickard; your name is Richard. There's no reason to give yourself a phallic name. There's no reason. You have so many choices: you can be Rick, you can be Rich. I'd rather be called Chard than be called Dick. Nobody does that: 'My name's Carl, but you can call me Cock.'
Religious leaders have been confusing us lately. Religious leaders tell us if we do good things, you go to Heaven. And then some of them do bad things, and it makes me think maybe Hell's the cooler place and they're holding out on us.
Here's another one: 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.
If I was in charge of the weather and I wanted to get it right, you hire people with arthritis to do the weather because they know in advance when it's going to rain. You see a weather person... with a gnarled hand pointing to the map, you better...
Why does the U.S. Army advertise on television? There's no other armies.
We have one electric company in New York City. They're called Con Edison. They're our only electric company, yet they advertise on television. What the hell are they thinking about? Our bills are more expensive because we pay for them to...
Every New Yorker makes the same mistake: we take a 10-day vacation. It's the worst thing we could ever do. You take a four-day vacation. If you get 10, take six in New York and four on the road because New Yorkers can't last outside New York for more than four days.
You go to Colorado -- some antithesis place, some beautiful place -- you always see the New Yorkers at the airport. The whole family's dressed in black because that's our school colors.
The post office advertises stamps on television -- stamps! We have commercials that actually go, 'Buy U.S. postage stamps.' Alright, now maybe it's just me, but my whole life, all I ever bought was U.S. postage stamps because when you try taping 37 pennies to the envelope, it never gets there.
My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.
They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'
You can tell that he's drunk. You know how? His name is Edward Kennedy, yet he calls himself Teddy. He's so hammered, he thinks his name is Theodore.
Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals. And I'll show you what I mean. They say a man's an animal trying to pick up a girl at a bar. He likes to show her he's strong as an ox, sly as a fox, memory like an elephant, can...
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