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You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
Oh look, she smiled at me!' It's because you sh*t your pants.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby -- go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
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