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In the past few years, I've only had sex with months that end in 'arch.'
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my sh*t.
I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.
I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car -- I still fall for it every time.
I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, 'I'm getting too old for this sh*t.'
We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine -- 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man.
I immediately fire back to them; I write 'sysph.' And they write back and go, 'What does sysph mean?' And I write back, 'Shut your stinking pie hole.'
I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture -- two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
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