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You kids today with your water. When we were kids we didn't have water. We used to suck the fluid out of mud, and we were grateful for that fluid.'
I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal -- it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.
I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, 'Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have.'
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor -- like you didn't know it?
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: 'I have a cold.' 'I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore.'
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, 'Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need -- and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before -- some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie.'
We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die -- we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.
My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, 'Dom, I think that waitress knows me.' 'What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?'
You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. 'Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I...
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