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Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers. Game over means game over.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops because to me a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage.
I like fruit baskets because a fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.
I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense.
I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' F**k that -- get well now.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back...
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's...
I saw a sign on this door; it said, 'Exit Only.' So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.'
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.
A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.
I was walking down the street, and this guy waved to me. Then he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
