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Styrofoam is biodegradable. You people are just impatient.
Usually this is between me and my maker, but I'll share it with you -- 28% of what I'm earning tonight, I am giving to the United States government.
Dolphins are intelligent? If they're so intelligent, get out of the nets.
I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.
President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia.... But they only earn $3 billion a year. So why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?
I forgot how expensive this town is. Checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.
What's the difference between Democrats and Republicans? Democrats remind us that life is unfair, and Republicans make sure it is.
Let me be your emperor! I'll run America like a business: I'll burn it to the ground and collect the insurance.
It's the parents' responsibility to sit your children down and teach them shame of their bodies.
If you persecute somebody just because they might look a little different, then you are no better than our country's founding fathers.
I empower my eldest daughter. I tell her to be proud of where she came from. That's why I named her Uterus, Uterus Feldman. She's named after her grandmother.
You treat my daughter with respect -- you buy her breakfast if she puts out.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.' Now, you know no guy would have ever dreamed that one up.
I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.
I was just on MTV. That was exciting, being on Music Television, the politically correct network: 'Don't smoke, don't drink and drive, don't do drugs -- now, more music from Guns N' Roses.'
I am adamantly opposed to capital punishment. Yes, many of these guys on death row have done heinous things, but when we as a people sink to their level and execute them, then we're no better than Republicans.
American teenagers are six times more likely to get pregnant than French teenagers. And what does that tell you? It tells you that American teenagers are better looking. But I say, let's learn from the French -- don't hand out condoms to high school students, take away their deodorant.
Jokes Tagged:
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kids (630),
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I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
news & politics (616),
marriage (356),
Bill Clinton (73),
David Feldman (24)
My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.
Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.
