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Sometimes you need a cigarette, though, right? Like after sex -- you want a cigarette after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? 'Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.'
That's what fear looks like, I'm telling you: a man running around with his thing flapping around in the air. If you walk out of here tonight, and you see a man running down the street with his thing flapping in the air, run with that man because there is some scary stuff coming the other way.
And why are they coming so early? They're picking up garbage -- it's not going to go bad again.
I make my own fun. Like today, I'm sitting on the couch, right? My dog's licking himself, right? I'm touching myself, right? We catch each others eyes -- we both start laughing.
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
After bad things happen, you need a cigarette, right? Like, let's say, I don't know, you kill a guy with a hammer -- you need a cigarette because sex and murder are the same. Because you say the same thing after both, don't you? 'Damn, I gotta get the hell out of here. What was I thinking?'
I know what women like. I know you're looking at me, thinking, 'How does he know?' I know. I know what they like: lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it... They'll try to fool you with a restraining order.
You know what happens when you get in a fight sometimes? You wet your pants. That's not 'cause you're scared. That's just your balls telling your legs it's time to move out.
You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.
Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.'
I'm even watching gay porno now. I'm running out of straight porno. I just pretend it's two straight guys that got there really early.
They are bitter. Why? There's only one minority guy in the whole state. You go to a meeting, and they're like, 'We gotta get Eric.'
Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage! Thrusting it out at me, making me do things, making me listen to you -- it's crazy. I can't do that. I can't walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I?
Women love mystery. That's what they like: little surprises. Tonight, when you go home, add a little mystery to your relationship. When your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor. Honestly -- hear me out -- there's nothing more mysterious...
I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive.
Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite -- they're blowing stuff up, having fun; I'm walking around like the Special Olympics torch boy.
What do you think of that Michael Bolton? What do you think of her -- do you like her?
I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni, and I had a gun with one bullet. Now, what do you do? I blew my head off, that's what I did.
I'm in terrible shape. Oh my God, I need a nap after I fart.
