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I watch Japanese animation, right? My mom's like, 'Dat Phan, you cannot watch cartoon -- it's too violent!' This is the same woman that goes, like, 'Dat Phan, if you don't take out the trash now, I will kill you!'
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
I'm gonna come home with, like, five fake earrings on and be like, 'Mom, today I joined five gangs.' 'Huh! You also five times gay! Get out of house, fruit loop.'
My dad only said two things to me around the house, you know, when I was there. Number one: 'OK, OK, U.S.A.' And two: 'Good. Good, Dat Phan.' How do you carry a conversation on with that? Like, 'Dad, how are you doing?' 'OK.' Like, 'Dad, the house is on fire.' 'OK.'
I don't think she's racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'
My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood -- he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it -- that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over U.S.A. like fungus from the toe.
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