Most Popular Tags Today
1-17 of 17 Results
People in Brooklyn wear their hearts on their sleeves. 'Excuse me, sir, I'm lost.' 'Glad I'm not you!'
I got to go to the Oval Office three times and hang out there... And it's weird. You're in the Oval Office, you think you're gonna be patriotic, but you're not. You just want to use the phone and call someone you know has caller ID.
Women solve problems faster than men. Ever see a woman dial a wrong number? Operator tells her to check the number and dial again, she'll check the number and dial again. There ain't a man in this room that will check the number and dial again....
Women won't even brag about [giving birth]. Why don't you brag about it? Brag, ladies, damn it. 'Cause fellas, right -- we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.
About two and a half years ago, I took a friend of mine to have her baby. Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person's body will walk around for months just going, 'Oh my God. What else don't I know about Planet Earth?'
They haven't written ghost stories from Brooklyn. I think I can understand. Ghosts are sort of getting together and saying, 'This is just not worth it.' I get that, too. It'd probably be tough to haunt a guy who's looking at you like, 'Yeah, you...
Something always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: 'Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I...
I'm originally from a place that sort of has a galaxy-wide reputation for sucking, called Alabama. And not from one of the good parts -- I'm from one of those places where the whole number system consists of one, two and a sh*t load.
You don't get divorced 'cause the thrill is gone; it's 'cause you don't know how to stack the tapes right underneath the VCR.
My wife read every book there was on marriage... Apparently, I'm in every book. I don't know how that could happen, but if you go to any book store and look at any book on marriage, you'll see at least one photo of me about to put an ice tray with only one ice cube left in it back into the refrigerator.
Here's my marriage quiz: your wife comes in and says, 'Hey, do I look fat?' Do you say a) 'Yeah, you could lose a few,' b) 'No honey, you've never looked better,' or c) 'Wait, let me get my protective head gear'?
Clinton's whacked man. This guy's dangerous. He's the kind of guy that could say to a woman and get away with it, 'You know, if you'd only take your clothes off, and let me see you naked, there would be no more racism.'
If nothing else, you have to say that President Clinton -- it was fun... I mean, every day he's in another jam, and not a fender bender, either -- the kind of stuff that James Bond can't get out of... Caught on camera lying. Lying! On camera! How...
Men have a lot of good qualities, but combining rage and information ain't one. We can't talk to people when we're pissed. That's how championship wrestling got started.
Some of these politicians just make things up. Like, remember that guy Newt Gingrich? The guy just makes stuff up! Like, they asked him about women in the military, right? This is what he said: 'Women can't be in the military 'cause, of course,...
Women can keep sex in perspective. Guys, on the other hand, think sex solves everything. A girl could come in, 'My head hurts, I have lower back pain, and my mom just died.' 'You know what you need? You need to speak to Big Olaf.'
He was never really a diplomat, that Bush. When he was vice president and Reagan would be talking, it was so funny 'cause you could catch Bush sitting behind Reagan, looking at him like your dog looks at your answering machine when your voice is coming out.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1620),
animals (947),
news & politics (616),
vintage (162),
Darrell Hammond (17)
« Prev 1 Next »
