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Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're...
I have some dreams. I wish I was a snake. I do. Did you ever wish you were a snake? Yeah, you do. I do. Every time I see snakes on TV, I'm like, 'Oh, why not me?'
I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' -- isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and sh*t. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
You know what they should do? When you walk in the door, they should have somebody hiding just punch you in the face. 'Cause at least after, you can be like, 'Ah! Alright, well, waiting in line's not so bad after the punch in the face!'
Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!'
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line -- you would jump in the line -- and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
Peace' is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew 'peace' was coming was 'cause the priest would say, 'Peace,' like five times, rapid fire. You'd hear him; he'd be, like, 'And the peaceful disciples...
You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'
Women go there to dance. They get all ready in the mirror with their friends. They're like, 'I just need to go. I just need to dance. I'm serious, tonight -- no guys. Screw guys. I just need to -- I've had a rough week, and I just need to dance it...
First job I had: Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.
Why do people insist on yelling at the drive-thru? You know, it's modern technology. I'd be there with my little headset, 'Hi, welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?' 'GROBGROWGROBGBONEONIONONEFRY.' 'Excuse me, Chewbacca? I'm bleeding from...
I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
Remember the commercials for Kool-Aid? That big bowl of punch come crashing through your wall, 'Oh yeah! Oh yeah!' All the little kids in the commercial are like, 'Ha ha ha!' I'm in my living room, like, 'Run! Go! Get the funk out of there!'
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
I'm a little sore 'cause a couple of days back I got into a car accident -- not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault. 'Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!'
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
I talk to that guy. I talk to that guy every f**king day. I find him to talk to him. I buy him little treats, I do. 'Hey, here's a Snickers. Take that. It satisfies. Enjoy the Snickers. Bye bye.' You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that...
Yeah, he turns towards me and he sneezed. There was no blockage. There was no hand over the mouth; there was no burying the arm, there was; there was no the thing-where-you-try-to-make-someone run-away-like-you're-about-to-turn-into-a-werewolf --...
