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I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here -- I'll get it, I'll make it.'
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
They only seem to be talking to themselves. What if they're not? What if they're actually synchronized? What if for every guy walking by himself going, 'Nobody tells a navy man when he's had enough to drink 'cause only a navy man knows when he's...
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands -- it's always some dumb white f**k in the middle of nowhere.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life -- you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine -- I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to...
I love boxing. Why do boxers always have to fight other boxers? I think we should open up the parameters of the sport and let more people in. I think it'd make it more exciting, you know, big event: 'Tonight at Madison Square Garden -- one night only: Iron Mike Tyson vs. 200 schoolgirls.'
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney...
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Dana Gould (14)
I love Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. Like you can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high-heels wearing a fur coat, masturbating into a mailbox. People...
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