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I don't know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.
I get so mad because most of the pop-ups I get are advertisements for software to get rid of pop-ups. You know, I'm kind of mad, but I'm also kind of like, 'Mm -- touche. Well played, sir.'
I don't just write jokes. You know what I'm best at? Greeting cards. I'm a really good greeting card writer. And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work I'm going to share for you: 'As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I've been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father's Day'
I'm amazed how many people will say they're a vegetarian and then add, 'Well, I eat a little chicken.' Well, then you're not a vegetarian. You're what's known as a liar.
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