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I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That's like going grocery shopping when you're hungry and you bring home stuff that you don't need.
I have a 14-year-old daughter. I had her when I was five.
How much does MapQuest suck? I got so burned by MapQuest. Last weekend, just for the hell of it, I typed in my address, 76th Street, and that I wanted to go to 77th Street. MapQuest told me to get on the Garden State Parkway.
I have a gay sister, which has been great for me 'cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.
This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.
In some ways, all men are the same. For example, why do you all like to have sex first thing in the morning? Do we smell good first thing in the morning? 'Cause you don't.
I know where my daughter is every night. She's with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don't know what's going on in there -- like, I think there's a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.
I don't really think anybody gets off properly in 69. Matter of fact, I think 69 is rude. It's rude. It's like saying to someone, 'Listen, we're gonna have sex, right? But we're gonna go Dutch.'
I'm watching TV with my father late at night 'cause he doesn't sleep. And you know that commercial for 'Save the Children'? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, 'For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day'? My father and I...
Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don't you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?
Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, 'Ration the candy.' I say, 'Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine.' That's how I handle Halloween.
I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they're gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn't marry the cutthroat,...
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men/women (1718),
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I can't do anything too spiritual. As soon as it gets spiritual, I think there's gonna be Kool-Aid at the end and we're all gonna die.
Jokes Tagged:
health (734),
news & politics (616),
religion (507),
exercise (47),
new age (28),
Cory Kahaney (13)
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