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I should have known that my shrink was a little crazy because, in the first session, he says to me, 'Chuck, you shouldn't live in the past because you could die from small pox.'
I'm kind of mad at my psychiatrist because I just found out that he's in therapy, which, apparently, is common practice. All psychiatrists see a psychiatrist. The most neurotic portion of the population is in charge of mental health.
Doesn't the lottery have pretty unrealistic names for those tickets: Mass Millions, Fast Cash, The Winner's Circle? How about a more real name for a ticket, like Fat Chance or Lose Your Insulin Money? Play and Lose Today? 'Try our new game, Tax the Poor!'
My girlfriend right now, she's one-quarter Cherokee Indian. Her name is Partly Cloudy.
I don't think she loves me. I think she's just having sex with me for the exercise, so when she meets a guy she's in love with, she's still in good shape. Here was a clue. We're doing it, and all I'm hearing is 'Oh, Chuck, more -- and four more...
I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court; I pleaded insanity.
I think the key to any successful relationship is keeping the sex fresh. I said to her the other night, 'Let's do some sexual role playing. You pretend to be the hostess of some big dinner party. I'll pretend to be the kid from the local high...
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