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I don't tell people I'm white anymore -- I'm albino-Cambodian.
Pope John Paul didn't die -- he pre-boarded.
If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus -- unless I'm really funny.
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize -- for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.
Benadryl -- the seven-dollar babysitter.
We might feel bad about it later -- ask Japan -- but before we feel bad, we're gonna jack you up. And then we're gonna send you food.
I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian -- don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.
Our priorities are so screwed up. We still -- four and a half years -- still cannot catch Osama bin Laden, but we nailed Martha Stewart's ass to the wall.
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America -- three minutes: dead Batman.
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey -- that's up to mommy, isn't it?'
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because...
Jokes Tagged:
pop culture (770),
kids (630),
news & politics (616),
parenting (335),
Christopher Titus (17)
Well, honey, she's brain dead. Her brain doesn't work anymore.' 'You mean like Uncle Rudy?' 'No, honey, Uncle Rudy's on Thorazine. And Paxil. And marijuana. And merlot.'
Jokes Tagged:
health (734),
news & politics (616),
alcohol (428),
family (349),
drugs (179),
Christopher Titus (17)
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
Jokes Tagged:
pop culture (770),
health (734),
kids (630),
weight/obesity (342),
parenting (335),
Christopher Titus (17)
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