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Stand-up comedy -- I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks -- knock wood -- it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'
I am in a fantastic mood tonight. I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience. It's called 'Tester.'
Ladies, women in the workplace -- oh, we still have big strides to make. You ready for this? A girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee. Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.
Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.
Long Island -- if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.
I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' -- that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.
Oh, this is fun -- went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked -- didn't make...
You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't...
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you...
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.
Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you -- bye!
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'
Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it -- the latest -- by the ended of this show.
Oh my God, Kennedy Airport -- what a mess -- all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80s.
I was working recently in London -- what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates -- the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship -- first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
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