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If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.
I was doing this 'dee dee dee' joke. You know what 'dee dee dee' means, right? It means stupid. This lady gets all pissed at me: 'Excuse me, sir, what if there was someone severely retarded in the crowd right now?' I'm like, 'Well, he's severely...
I was born in Honduras, that's where I was born. I live in California, where no matter what you say, you're Mexican. You understand that? It doesn't matter what you say. See -- you don't understand that, white people, because wherever you go,...
I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the...
You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'
Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.
I was in Mexico, and I see how these people operate. They're not stupid. Did you know that in Cabo San Lucas, there is actually a Home Depot? I swear to God. Then I went inside the Home Depot, but there was nothing inside, completely empty. It was...
When I say Home Depot, everyone in this room thinks one thing: beaner. We all think beaner -- guy hanging out in front of Home Depot -- and I don't have a problem with that. You know what I have a problem with? When I turn on NASCAR, and the dude...
We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.
My mother is still mad at me from when the pope died. She calls me up when the pope died, 'Meho, we have to go to church and pray for him.' I go, 'Mom, it's the pope. We don't have to pray for him. Just stay home.' 'No, meho, he needs our help.'...
I'm sitting down, and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I'm not crying. And then they go, 'Excuse me, sir, why aren't you crying, sir?' I'm like, ''Cause I read the book, bitch. Keep bothering me, and I'll ruin the ending.'
Some of you are afraid to laugh. 'I'm scared, Carlos.' Don't be scared. God wants you to laugh. God has a sense of humor, and if you don't believe me, tomorrow go to Wal-Mart and just look at people.
What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the...
What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat...
When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.
A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!
Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.
Every single man in this room has crapped his pants. There is not a man in here that has not done that. Sometimes we don't even know when it happens. Sometimes we take off our underwear and go, 'Oh my God, where did that come from?' That's where the term 'holy sh*t' comes from.
What you have to do is be honest with who you are. Find that thing inside of you that is you and be that. Don't lie and don't perpetrate. I am sick and tired of ugly bitches that wear shirts that say, 'Cutey.'
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