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My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course -- 'cause he's Japanese.
My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is -- we already have two kids.
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll. Are you trying to quit?
You can tell I've been married for a while. Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' And I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'
She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn't really like me very much. But luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.
My wife travels a lot with her job. She's, uh, a drug mule. They are always on the go.
The other day, my little boy talked back to my wife. She told him to do something; he said, 'No, I don't want to.' So, I had to pull him aside and say, 'Listen -- you gotta teach me how to do that.'
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'
We picked out kinda old fashioned names for our kids. Our little boy is Hunter, and our little girl is Gatherer.
When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night. She would get these cravings for other men.
When I was a kid, I had this one aunt who used to always call me by my brother's name -- I mean, a million times, every time I saw her. Finally, I just snapped. I said, 'You are the biggest simpleton idiot pinhead I've ever met.' She got all upset, called my parents, told on me. My brother got screwed.
I'm not too crazy about my relatives. I love my immediate family. But don't you look at your relatives, and you can't believe you're actually related to these people? I give blood four times a year just so I'm less and less related to these people.
I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.
My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors -- and three captains and two lieutenants. She's a very slutty young woman.
I didn't do too well in college. The only class I did well in was psychology. My term paper on dreams was actually published. Do you read Penthouse? I was the guy named JoJo.
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that he hates his teacher. She's 'an idiot' and she's 'out to get him,' which is the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
When I was in junior high, we moved to the suburbs to a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passive-aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch; he'd just go, 'You're gonna eat all that?'
In kindergarten, he had a little crush on his kindergarten teacher, which I think is normal. I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.
Now that I'm a dad, I'll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing, 'How'd you get this number?'
The day my little boy was born, a friend of mine called me because his little girl was born the day before. He goes, 'Who knows? Maybe they'll end up getting married.' My little boy's a day old. His little girl's two days old. He's not gonna marry someone twice his age.
