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This suntan lotion is confusing me. When I left about 10 years ago to move to New York, the highest suntan lotion number was 15. I get back -- you know what it is now? -- 45. A flannel shirt is about 30. Who's this for -- vampires? If you need 45,...
I think you know when you have to go on a diet: when you go bungee jumping, and you pull the bridge down with you.
I don't eat food that a dog won't touch. That's my guideline. Try to give tofu to a dog. He goes, 'I don't think so. No.' It's a dog. It licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants. If he doesn't like something, I go with that opinion. He's drinking out of the toilet. Find out what he thinks.
I took my uncle to his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You ever been to an AA meeting? I went, but we ended up at an AAA meeting by mistake. The thing is, we didn't know it. Everybody's sitting there filling out forms and reading maps. We're...
I am overweight. My whole family is overweight. We go to the beach, and people swim out to us.
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